GLITCH.news has posted a timely and much-needed article entitled How to kill a Google robot.
The article anticipates the inescapable conclusion that Google’s military robots will sooner or later be turned against the people, Terminator style. It offers advice on various ways to take out a Google robot, including running over it with your car, setting it on fire, and decapitating it.
However, I feel like humanity needs more options, so I’ve put together my own top 10 list of how to kill a Google robot. While these robots may be working alongside U.S. Marines right now, it’s only a matter of time before they are turned against us. Remember when Google’s slogan used to be, “Do no evil”? And now Google functions as an extension of the NSA, tracking your search terms and web surfing behavior, censoring the independent media, conspiring with Big Pharma to block ads from Canadian pharmacies and altering its search results to favor pharmaceutical industry drug pushers like the Mayo Clinic.
Anyone who thinks Google robots won’t be used against humanity is a fool. Even if Google never intentionally turns them evil, chances are the Chinese will hack them and turn them against us anyway. (Or some devilish President like Obama will unleash them against whatever political group he hates at the time… like the Tea Party…)
So if you hope to survive the coming robot war on humanity, you’d better know how to kill a Google robot. Ready for your survival lesson? If you want to live, come with me…
Top 10 ways to kill a Google robot
One thing we all learned from Kyle Reese is that striking a Terminator with a metal pipe just pisses it off:
You’re going to need something far more effective than a metal pipe. So here’s how to get the job done and save humanity:
1) Blind its sensors – This can be accomplished with something as simple as a paintball gun.
2) Subject it to a strong electric arc – A powerful welder / generator can produce enough voltage to fry a robot’s circuits. The hard part is getting close enough to clamp on the cables without frying yourself in the process.
3) Tangle it in cables or a net – Robots suck at freeing themselves from tangles. Find a cargo net and try to get the bot tangled in it. Or just circle around its legs with strong cable like Luke Skywalker vs. the AT-AT walkers in The Empire Strikes Back.
4) Throw it into water – Knock that Google bot into a river! It probably can’t swim, and if the water penetrates its outer shell, it will fry the circuit boards.
5) Shred it with bullets or explosives – A .50 caliber semi-auto rifle should do the trick. For greater accuracy, get yourself a .338 Lapua long range sniper rifle. With training and good optics, you can hit a Google robot at over 1,000 yards.
6) Run over it with a vehicle – Here’s the ghetto version of assault: just “vehicular manslaughter” that robot with your 4×4 pickup truck. Hopefully you don’t drive a wimpy city vehicle, or you’ll just hurt yourself in the process while deploying your silly air bags.
7) Electronically jam its communications and GPS – For the geeks who want to get involved, you might be able to GPS spoof the robot in the same way that hackers are currently taking over drones and General Motors vehicles. Better yet, hack a Jeep and remotely drive it into the Google robot.
8) Set off a small EMP – If you’re a total geek and know how to build an EMP bomb, then whip one together and set it off near the bot. Hey, didn’t they use one of these in Ocean’s Eleven?
9) Attach a strong tether to it and tie it to something huge and immobile (like your mother in law) – This is my favorite trick: find some brave soul willing to run up to the robot and latch onto it with a cable and a carabiner. Then tether it to something it can’t escape… like a building. From there, you can use it for target practice.
10) Burn it up (gasoline, diesel, etc.) – Douse that bot with your favorite combustible liquid, then toss a flare at it. (Or light it up with your AR-15. The sparks from the bullets striking the metal robot will start the fire.) Be sure not to set yourself on fire in the process, or you will wind up in a YouTube video entitled, “TOTAL MORON TRIED TO SET A ROBOT ON FIRE BUT TORCHED HIMSELF INSTEAD.”
Beyond these 10, if you’re clever you can also drop heavy objects on them (a la Terminator Salvation and the railroad car axle trick). But this requires the robot to be in the precise position you had planned for them, and that’s unlikely to be easy to pull off.
The best trick of all might be to just sell the Google robots to the U.S. government. Everything the government tries to operate turns to crap and eventually collapses.
Sources for this article include: