Male v Female at the ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads: ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.  Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.  


1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:  (Unfortunately, most of this is the truth.)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

8 thoughts on “Male v Female at the ATM

  1. I know a couple of women within my family that would be outraged at this. However they would be hard pressed to prove it wrong. They are also the same ones that will go to the store and spend thirty minutes looking at the labels on a brand name and the stores brand to see the difference. The labels will be identical yet they will stare at them as if the labels will mysteriously change by looking at them long enough. Then on to the price difference of a dollar and another thirty minutes to decide which one they want.

  2. My ex would have done the man version with the open door and singing very loud. Oh and the hand brake. But that would have been on since leaving the house.

  3. Nope! I’m not THAT OCD.

    I’d be following the male version of the instructions. And I can align my car’s gas tank cap at the gas station with the hose, on the correct side of the car BTW, the first time I pull up!! No do overs . . .
    . . .

    1. i would say no trencher would have this problem. That said, i have done some pretty dingy things in the past, and will probably continue to in the future. 🙂

  4. Speaking of which…one of my biggest gripes with auto makers is that they don’t all place the filler caps on the same side. Why is that so hard? I hate trying to pull into a busy gas station and find one car nose to nose with mine because the caps on the opposite side. One of us then has to maneuver around the other to leave.

  5. I’m sure the author can give a similar comical story about the differences between men and woman using the bathroom. I’m laughing just thinking about it.

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