Now Hiring! Apply Within….Online

Hey everyone, great news! The economy is back on track and unemployment is declining at a rapid rate. There are so many jobs available!

Just come in to one of our many stores and we’ll explain all the details and then you can apply online and submit your application to a person in another state who doesn’t even know what you look like, let alone that you even exist. It’s that easy!  

No more handing in applications in person. No more impressing us with your writing skills. No more wasting our management’s time in order to select who is an outstanding job applicant. No more pointless signatures at the end of the application. Just go online and point and click and even sign your name with our new auto sign feature. That’s all you need to do to get a job at one of our proud corporate stores in the area. It’s so simple even a drunk can do it.

If you don’t want to use the Internet to apply, then I’m sorry we don’t want you. What world are you living in? Get with the times, pal. You think you have a choice? Not a chance!

For those of you who don’t have a computer with Internet access, no problem! We provide our applicants with an in store computer with Internet access where you can apply within….ONLINE!

And if it happens to be broken down, have no fear! Even though we still won’t hand out or accept paper applications, there is a public library just right down the road with Internet access so that you can apply for free within….ONLINE!

As we said before, we no longer hire walk-ins, as store managers prefer to not take any responsibility for bad hiring and prefer to do less work, while making you do more.

Hell, applying for a job is just like working for the job itself without even getting paid for it!

Furthermore, it helps our government lower your already child-like intelligence by filling out your name, address and background information a thousand times to show us that you really want the job. In addition, by doing that, we don’t have to do our job of putting you into our database.

You have a resume and a cover letter with you? Oh, I’m sorry, we have no way of entering the information and filing it in the computer that we have sitting right in front of us because our staff is just too damn lazy!

Yes, it’s great applying to a Fascist company. We make sure we only hire the top candidates who are willing to sell their souls to the company and who can pass our situational/psychological evaluation questions at the end of the application process.

What’s that you say? Why can’t you just do all of this in the store itself anymore?

Well, then we can’t immediately store and sell all your data online nor can we do a background check by giving all of your personal information secretly over to the government to make sure you are not a terrorist or a crazed individual. After all, this is the new Amerika and we want to make sure everyone is treated guilty until proven innocent for our protection, as well as yours, in order to ensure minimal business risk and liability on our end, while also ensuring that our customers receive the same safety and protection. We can’t have a gun-toting employee coming in and shooting up the place after his manager cuts his hours and pay, now can we?

Now let’s talk about education, shall we? Well, here at “Fascist Fast Food Warehouse”, we only hire the most qualified candidates and since the economy is clearly booming, even though there are more people than jobs, we can still afford to weed out many of the applicants by requesting that you meet our minimal requirements which must include a Masters Degree and one year of cashier experience.

We want to ensure that “Fascist Fast Food Warehouse” is the best and most professional business in the area.

(By the way, those with Masters Degrees and a year of cashier experience who have been unemployed for more than six months need not apply.)

Two weeks later……

Ok! Congratulations! You’ve past our preliminary application process. Now let’s move on to our preliminary interview, shall we?

We see that you live 10 miles away with no car. Oh! That won’t do. Too far.

Next application!

We see that you live right around the block with a car. Oh! That won’t do. Too close AND you have a car. Can’t have you drive through our building if you are upset or hopped up on SSRIs now, can we?

Next application!

So I see you had graduated from MRT with a Masters in Chemistry. Maybe you can help us hide the GMOs in our food, but I’m sorry, we don’t have a position available for Food Safety and Quality Control. I also see you have 2 years experience as a cashier, as well. I’m sorry, you are just too over-qualified.

Last application!

So I see you are an illegal immigrant with food stamps, social security benefits, no education and experience, but can greet customers in broken English and add two numbers together.

Since Obamacare will kick in soon and I won’t have to pay insurance for you, we can skip the educational requirement and work experience. Congratulations! You’ve advanced to the second interview!

Que tal? No worries, senor. We’ll talk again, tomorrow!

Next day!

Ok, now that you’ve made it to the second interview, we are going to be asking some really tough situational questions. Depending on your answers, we’ll decide if you are a good fit for our business. Are you ready? Good!

So we have two candidates, one is an educated American, who has a special degree in restaurant management, one year of cashier experience and can speak the English language, while the other is an illegal immigrant who can only say a few words. So let’s start with the American.

Tell me, what would you do if a customer was unhappy with a food order?

Ok, so you’d apologize to the customer and give him the correct order at no extra charge.

Hmm…I don’t know. It’s slightly old, out-dated, too traditional, and in addition to that, it may also encourage and promote qualities of terrorism against our corporation.

Well, how about you senor?

No comprende?

Great! I like that! It’s progressive, creative, innovative and quick thinking. You’re hired! Hasta manana, senor!

Yes folks, getting a job in America is that easy!

So next time, if you need a job, don’t forget to apply within…ONLINE because it’s the only way we can weed out, acquire and ensure the best possible candidates for our business.

Adios, amigos!


14 thoughts on “Now Hiring! Apply Within….Online

  1. Exactly what my husband went through. Resumes weren’t enough, had to fill out the apps. NC, are you looking for work? I know you’re in TX. Someone quit at a sister co. where husband works. This place is located in Houston. Not sure where you are, or what type of work you do. If you want, you can get my email from Henry, and contact me.

    1. the future is cottage industries find a need and fill it. Being an employee will not go anywhere.

    2. That’s OK, Katie. I’m currently employed. I was just going into a ROSS store this past weekend and noticed they were hiring and had a table set up with signs saying “Apply within!” only to have a bunch of flyers that said something alone the lines of, “If you want a job with us, go online to our website and click on the careers link and fill out an online application today!”. I almost wanted to puke.

      I’m so sick of the crap where you can only get a job if you fill out an online application. WTF!!??? More corporate bullshit! Even the Dollar store or McDonald’s you have to apply online ONLY! It’s absolutely insane.

      When I came back from China a couple of years ago after being there for over 5 years, I couldn’t believe that I didn’t have a choice to fill out an application in the store and felt sorry for the people who don’t even have enough money to pay for the Internet, especially when they had no job, so how the hell can they get a job?

      So I remember one clerk saying, “You can just go to the library and apply online for free”. I wanted to slap her in the face and knock that stupidity out of her.

      It all goes along with that line of “Go back to school in order to get a job” crap. Let’s see, I need a job in order to pay for the education and I need an education in order to get a job. Does anyone else see a predicament here?

  2. I’m hiring too, but I’m looking for someone with slave experience.

    If you’re part of the “will work for food” crowd, I’ll double your salary by putting a roof over your head too.

  3. Ya … not to mention, and what I’m hearing, is that when people do apply for a job, if there is an application to be had, you can’t take the application out of the place of employment. It must be filled out on site. What is up with that?

    I’m working at home. Yes, it’s a viable, legal, company that is growing in the nutrition industry, and yes, it is network marketing … the only way to make money in this economy and help others too.
    . . .

  4. I was ready to go postal looking for a better job than the one I had. I ended up starting a business. I am just as poor as not having a job but I get to make the rules. The low point was when I was trying to convince a store that I “really” wanted to learn about cheese so as to be a cheese specialist in the deli. puk. I like cheese but I was turning into a pu55y by going against who I am. I have always revered truth and found that is what they dont want.
    The author forgot about the DNA and piss samples to get a min wage job with 5hours a week.

    1. Hey, I can’t think of everything. lol

      But I’ll keep that in mind. I actually thought the background checks covered that, but I’ll try and fit it in next time. lol

  5. yea i remember taking the pee test. i am college educated and i make 4.25 an hour. that is america today

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