A public school teacher was arrested this morning at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide rule and a calculator. At a press conference just before noon today, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious AL-GEBRA movement. Although he did not identify the man, he confirmed the man has been charged by the FBI with “carrying weapons of math instructions with the intent of using them against innocent children”.
“AL-GEBRA is a problem for us”, the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say “There are three sides to every triangle”.”
The Attorney General went on to say “Teaching our children sentient thought processes and equipping them to solve problems is dangerous and puts our government at risk”.