(Washigton D.C. July 25, 2015 – J. Roger)
Feminist leaders from across the nation have once again joined forces in a renewed lobbying effort to protect women by introducing HB6969, or the “CAMEL” bill, known officially as the “Castrate All Men and Elect Lesbians act of 2015″.
Experts from around the world have concluded long ago that testicles are offensive, and that their existence embodies the cruelty that’s been inflicted upon women, who are now forced to survive in a world where almost half the population is guilty of possessing these terrorist weapons.
Professor Rabbinowitz, who heads the offensive matter department at Zion University, has studied testicles for most of his academic career, and he insists that the human race cannot proceed toward civilization as long as the offending appendages exist. In his speech to the graduating class of 2012, he shouted “it’s time for humanity to progress into the future, but as long as there are testicles, it will be impossible to put our Neanderthal roots in the past”, which was answered by the entire graduating class with a standing ovation.
Rep. Goldstein (D-NY) introduced the bill, and hailed it as a permanent step forward in the women’s rights movement, saying “because the bill requires a minimum of three avowed lesbians from every state to serve in congress, it insures that women will be protected well into the future”.
Detractors claim that the bill is a form of feminist tyranny, and that forcing men to undergo castration may be unconstitutional, but Ms. Goldstein snapped back quickly, saying “the infinitely malleable wording of the constitution permits anything, and after the surgery, you won’t do so much complaining, so start saying good-bye to that extra baggage now”.
If the bill becomes law, all available resources of Obamacare will be devoted to the mass castration process, and as the president has declared himself devoted to women’s rights, it’s expected that he’ll use his executive powers to help America through this medical emergency.
The movement to castrate all men began in America’s most progressive universities, and has sprung from there into a wave of followers spanning the nation. Male supporters who have led the way into the doctor’s office report surprising results, ranging from “my pants fit a lot better”, to “it’s nice to have all the troubles of manhood behind me”.
Their wives’ reactions were just as varied, and included “that pig won’t give me anymore trouble” and “today it’s easy to find real men, but if this becomes law, I’ll have to go dyke,” which conspiracy theorists claim is the sinister motive behind the bill in the first place.
Polls conducted by the Poo organization show that 87% of American men “support the castration of someone else”, and congress has interpreted this as a mandate for a collective, universal castration process that will allow America to advance into the future, and protect women at the same time, which gives this bill the potential for being a real win-win for America.