Invasion of the Micro-Drones!

Augureye Express

So there I was having just sat down to dinner in time to catch the beginning of the movie I’ve been waiting to see.  I turned off the phone and computer so as to not have any unwanted distractions while I watched the latest new terminator franchise movie.

The opening credits are just ending, which makes me wonder why they haven’t changed that along with everything else, It just makes no sense to splash all that writing all over the screen obscuring the picture I’m trying to see.  The same exact lists of names are at the end of the movie, but the ego freaks know nobody would ever see them so they splatter them all over the screen at the beginning too.  Damned annoying, if I wanted to read, I would have grabbed a book instead of the remote.  But it’s all good now as the credits are finished and the action has begun, and looks so damn real on the Double Dolby Plasma HD big screen BluRay home theater.  The screen takes up the whole wall; so with the right lighting it just looks like you’re looking out a window at real life and the people are all life size.  Unfortunately so is the hapless fly buzzing around like some drunk kamikaze pilot trying to fly thru the window to get outside.  As soon as that sucker works his way near me, it’s gonna be ‘instant universe‘ pal, and good riddance, cause flying bugs strafing the screen are as annoying as opening credits and political campaign ads.  Here he comes now, boy is he in for a surprise.  Most folks would justblack flag that housefly, except what’s poison for him is also poison for me so I never use the crap.  all you need is a plastic spray bottle full of high test Windex, the stuff with theammonia in it.  When the insect in question is in range I just blast him with a couple shots, when the spray hits his little spiracles it’s like liquid-X on a date-rape and he drops to the floor where it’s so much easier to step on him.Gotta drop this little pest quick the first try, or I’ll be hunting the clever little bastard all night.  Once they know you’ve gone weapons hot the little scudders have a whole bag of tricks to evade & hide from you…just until you go back to what you were doing, then they start their strafing run right at your third eye!  He’s nearly in the kill zone, and doesn’t see the spray bottle as a threat the way he would a fly swatter or rolled up news paper, so he’s almost a goner.  He is flying right at me, so I fake him out a little by reaching for my drink, he sees me and banks to the right to avoid me…putting him on my bulls eye. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh; my chemical-biological weapon is deployed with zeal and overkill as I want this sucker dead right now.

To my amazement, this brazen insect does not fall to the floor dying but rather goes ballistic in a vertical climb which becomes a beautiful hammerhead stall and he dives right down on me at like ninety friggin MPH.  How the hell did he do that, it was a direct hit, even if the ammonia didn’t knock him out right away, the sheer weight of the liquid drops all over his body should have dropped him.  He must be one of those early season flies, for some reason they’re a bit more resilient. Now he pulls up again and as I lead him a bit to poison the air he is about to fly into; he performs a perfect immlemann maneuver and disappears from view.  Like I said, flies are clever, and I knew this one would be hiding by now.  Determined to end this intrusion, I paused the movie- picked up my weapon and went on the hunt.  A lot of folks don’t know that all flies are born knowingthat they are colored black so they just naturally land on anything black to hide. Searching  these places yielded no aggressor so I immediately began searching adjacent rooms as that is evasive tactic #2.  I saw him immediately as I entered the den, he was buzzing around the table lamp obviously seeking heat with which to dry off from the chemical dusting I gave him.  He spotted me and quickly ducked behind the lampshade but too late.  I faked him out by pretending not to see him, then doubled back & snuck up on him all stealthy like.  When I finally got a good look at him I couldn’t believe my eyes.

There on the lampshade was a cybernetic mechanical remote fly drone, and as I was taking this in, I could see my own reflection in the camera lens the thing had for eyes. With a barely audible whirr of tiny servo motors the eyes rotated to fix directly on me, and the thing launched…I could hear the shutter clicking as the thing flew over my head and sprayed some vile liquid which just missed my eyes.  Well now the battle is engaged full bore as I spin around to give hot pursuit but the little spying fly is much faster now that he’s dry and I lost him in the shadows.  Time to get serious; so I dig out the ultimate defense for the first time this year; the micro car & computer vacuum with extended wand for difficult places…like Robofly’s ass!   The little devil tried to make for the open window, but I cut him off and laughed maniacally as I heard his tiny metallic corpse get inhaled into my machine.

Satisfied with my victory I set out to search the rest of the house for any more of these tiny government spy drones.  I heard somewhere they usually have a wingman, sometimes even two, so I was taking no chances.  As I entered the kitchen sure enough his wingman struck from behind in a dastardly sneak attack.  He buzzed right by my ear sounding like an out of tune dentist drill and when he was just a foot or two in front of me the bastard does a marvelous reverse turn and killed my vacuum with a tiny blue lightning bolt coming from a little dish antenna where a head should have been.