Satire: “Chinese Hackers Drop US Government From List of High-Value Targets”

Running ‘Cause I Can’t Fly – by Andy Borowitz

SHANGHAI (The Borowitz Report)— “In a rare announcement from a notoriously publicity-shy group, Chinese hackers revealed today that they were dropping the United States government from their official list of high-value targets. “We have to allocate our time and energy to hacking powerful organizations,” a spokesman for the hackers said. “Right now, calling the United States government an ‘organization’ would be a reach.” He added that the hackers’ ultimate goal had been to hurl the U.S. government into a state of abject paralysis, “and they seem to have already taken care of that on their own.”

The spokesman acknowledged that despite years of compromising U.S. government computers, the hackers had obtained little of value, especially on the hard drives of congressional offices. “Those computers did not appear to be used for anything work-related,” the spokesman said. “Basically all we found were restaurant reservations and porn.”

U.S. stock markets plummeted on the news of the hackers’ downgrade, which was widely denounced by American politicians as a hostile act designed to cripple the economy. “This is an insult to the American people,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia). “We demand that the Chinese resume hacking us at once.”

But according to the hackers’ spokesman, any chance that they might put the U.S. government back on their list of targets was remote at best. “We need to focus on higher-functioning governments,” he said. “We’re taking a close look at Venezuela.”

5 thoughts on “Satire: “Chinese Hackers Drop US Government From List of High-Value Targets”

  1. Hey #1 Are you sure this is satire,It could be related to the depleted stock on shelves at wallyworld if china’s credit spigot dried up,I feel the chinese are behind a lot of this gun grab due to the fact that they are buying huge chunks of real estate and fear an armed america.

    1. Do you mean like a monopoly board game there Steve? I kind of look at it as a chess game as I said in my reply @ 9:02. Nothing like a good chess/monopoly game eh?

      1. From what I understand the chinamen have trillions of I O Us from the us gubberment and are being allowed to buy property here in the midwest,as long as the people are armed the chinkys are afraid of armed repurcussions so in order for the african to keep credit flowing (cheap ass plastic crap from china) and the economy from tanking (CONSUMER SPENDING is the only liquid in the system ) he must satisfy the creditors fear of lead flying at the swarms of invaders anxious to settle into their new chinese homes in their new chinese town in some desolate former american city.Might be a big ol wild “conspiracy theory” so dont tell anyone as them eveeeel conspiracy theory things are no longer permitted.The whole federal reserve ponzi scheme is nothing but “monopoly money” wealth out of thin air and I probably dont need to tell you that it is the fkn J-Ws

    2. Truth posing as fiction/satire?

      What better way to confuse and confound the so-called ‘government’s’ monitors and trolls?


  2. Yea, these Chinese are in up to their neck WITH the U.S. govt. It is all just a air headed game to all them in the world govt. to see how we all react so that the world leaders – as they like to cal themselves – can try to control all the population of the world. The whole damned world is just a F`n chess board and we all are just the chess peices.

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