Couple Arrested For Selling “Golden Tickets To Heaven”


JACKSONVILLE, Florida – Tito and Amanda Watts were arrested over the weekend for selling “golden tickets to heaven” to hundreds of people. The couple, who sold the tickets on the street for $99.99 per ticket, told buyers the tickets were made from solid gold and each ticket reserved the buyer a spot in heaven — simply present the ticket at the pearly gates and you’re in.

“People can sell tickets to heaven,” a Jacksonville police spokesman said. “But the Watts misrepresented their product. The tickets were just wood spray painted gold with ‘Ticket To Heaven – Admit One’ written in marker. You can’t sell something as gold when it’s not. That’s where the Watts crossed the line into doing something illegal.”  

Tito Watts said in his police statement:

I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold… it ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free. So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…

Amanda Watts said in her police statement:

We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.

Police said they confiscated over $10,000 in cash, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.

14 thoughts on “Couple Arrested For Selling “Golden Tickets To Heaven”

  1. OK, anyone stupid enough to buy anything from either of those upstanding citizens deserved to be deprived of their money! P.T. Barnum was right!

  2. I’m…….I’m……….really I’m without words. A planet made of crack-cocaine? I’ll bet if you looked into this those two are members of congress.


    I thought this was for real at first and was getting a bit sideways that they would arrest these two simply because stupid people allowed themselves to be duped…until I realized it was satire. Stuppid has a few other articles that are just as funny…

  4. “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public” ~ H.L.Mencken

  5. “Jesus gave them to me behind KFC” (as Mr. and Mrs. Crackhead were digging through the dumpster for some rotten food.) “I’m willing to wear a wire to set Jesus up” ROFLMAO!!!!!! 😆

  6. With folks like this we will win this fight. Americans have always employed ingenuity as these to have demonstrated. Heck, the tv evangelists do it every day.

    1. Jason K pointed out the site is known for satire. I didn’t realize it til he pointed it out so thanks Jason K!

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