Instant Jew

Does your life lack spiritual direction? Is it difficult to find a church that accepts freaks like you? Have you spent years in search of a religion that’s twisted enough to promote greed, deceit, and condone your indulgence in any perversion?

Look no further, because your new life as a Jew will open these doors and more, as you learn to meddle in the lives of others, cry about being offended while you offend everyone else, bemoan your suffering while inflicting it on others, and get paid for it at the same time.  

This miracle of divinity is now available at your local synagogue, and it’s called “Instant Jew – Out of the Blue”. Once you purchase it you’ll become a Jew by self-declaration, in the Kazarian tradition, and you’ll immediately inherit the “two-thousand years of suffering” that has made Jews infamous around the world.

You’ll get a Yarmulke, a long black coat, a copy of the Talmud, and if you buy the deluxe version, you‘ll also receive your very own “Death Camp Digit Tattoo Kit”, with a unique number that you can use to demand holocaust reparations.

The master version comes with Rabbinical instructions for those who are sexually attracted to young boys, and would rather preach the religion than live it. You’ll learn how to identify and attack “anti-Semites” in all walks of life, as well as the latest updated clues to help you track down the last of the Nazi prison guards.

You’ll learn to fabricate myths of persecution and victimization, and most importantly, you’ll learn to profit from it.

Yes, you too can be a Jew, lending money, stealing money, or just printing the stuff for the pleasure and profit that comes from destroying nations as you drain their wealth.

With a little practice, you too can learn the art of controlling both sides of every debate to insure that the truth is never revealed, learn how to promote radicalization through perceived victimization, and inspire phoney “grass roots” political movements that have successfully divided populations for hundreds of years.

You’ll learn how to blackmail politicians for political power and profit, operate a lying media outlet, and fabricate “news” as needed to advance any political goal.

Yes, the immense power of the eternally meddling, obnoxious Jew can now be yours at a fraction of the original cost, and there’s no need to check local laws before ordering, because you’ll learn how to change them as needed.

Never again will you be forced to suffer the offense of seeing a Christmas tree, because your insane demands to remove it will be met just to shut you up, and a statue of Baal will replace it to celebrate your love of everything evil in this world.

If you act now, you’ll get to participate in the destruction of America, and help promote the global communism that will result in the genocide of white people and Christians everywhere.

Don’t let the New World Order leave you behind. Order your complete “Instant Jew” kit now, and get your share of the indecency, perversion, and corruption that’s sweeping the world today!!! (circumcision required)

— Jolly Roger

15 thoughts on “Instant Jew

    1. “I’m not white, I’m Jewish” – Mike Wallace

      Tired of being a white schmuck, paying taxes and taking the blame for minority oppression? Well now you too can change your ethnicity by simply adopting Judaism as your religion!

      Our one month conversion program will teach you all you need to know to become a proper Jewist:

      *How to lie with a straight face
      *Why your race is supreme and everyone else should be dead or your slave
      *How to have sex with girls under 3, or boys under 9 (you’re not a pedophile, you’re a Jewist!)
      *How to deflect criminal investigations by claiming racism!
      *The meaning of derogatory words like goy, kushim and shiksa

      And the list goes on and on…

      Exclusive Benefits include:
      *victim hood status and backing by ADL and SPLC
      *$20,000 and free land in Israel
      *Dual citizen status in case you need to leave in a hurry!

      Just listen to testimony of our satisfied clients:

      “I was a copy boy, but now that I’m a Jewist, I am senior editor of the city newspaper!”

      “I tried incessantly to enter politics, but now that I’m a Jewist, the entire network of media has rallied behind me!”

      Don’t be a schmuck, or a Nazi,
      Be a Jewist, cool like Fonzi… True fact – Fonzarelli is a Jewist.

      Don’t delay, act today!

      Call 1-800-JEW-ISTS for your free information package on how you too can quit being a white schmuck!

  1. Now that’s how I spell ‘FUNNY’ … ironically true !!!

    But For: the proper term is ZIONIST as opposed to Jew.

    1. Thanks, GrayRider, and you’re absolutely right, but “Zionist” has too many syllables for this purpose. It just wouldn’t sound right, so I smeared the whole lot of them.

  2. That was brilliant, Jolly. And I’m sure that “kit” will also include lifetime membership in the closed club, where everybody has each others’ backs and all doors of advancement are open to members only. All that is required is that you help to keep those who do not have the kit out of the club. It’s a guaranteed ladder of success where the cream rises to the top. Then if ferments.


  3. to heck with that buy a kit crapola…just get your DNA tested (but not by since they send it to the govt.) to PROVE you are Jewish…I’d say about 8 billion people can PROVE this! 😉

  4. “Order your complete “Instant Jew” kit now,…”

    Hurry, hurry, HURRY!!!

    There’s ONLY 60 million AVAILABLE!

    But I suspect JR saw that article before writing this one. If not… helluva coincidence. 🙄

    1. No coincidence, Hatr… that was the inspiration. This almost wound up in the comments section back there.

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