Washington Square News – by Velma Dinkley
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a press conference yesterday that has shocked the city.
“To promote transparency within this city, I need to be completely honest about who I am and who I am becoming,” Bloomberg said at the conference. “I am a vampire.”
Bloomberg said he could not keep his secret any longer, but focused on the positives and the changes that will come. He announced the creation of the Transformation to Vampirization campaign, which will begin immediately.
“As my TTV campaign launches Oct. 31, it is important that the city starts to accept what’s to come,” Bloomberg said.
The first phase of TTV will be a series of subway posters promoting vampire acceptance and awareness. The slogans include “No reflection doesn’t mean no soul” and “[Blood] Red is the new Black.”
“I think these new posters are the only way to help ease the stigmatization that comes with vampires,” CAS junior Nancy Drew said. “Blood is blood, and people need to get over it.”
The second phase of TTV has more long-term implications for the city. Bloomberg announced that he is abolishing term limits and is entering the mayoral race as a third-party candidate on Nov. 5.
“What this city needs is consistency,” Bloomberg said. “If I am mayor for a fourth term, I can continue my campaigns and implement 60 more. This is what New Yorkers need. This is what I can provide.”
Democratic mayoral candidate and Public Advocate Bill de Blasio held a press conference yesterday evening in which he defended the campaigning he has done so far and the personal impact of Bloomberg’s announcement.
“I came home for lunch and my son Dante had shaved his afro in protest of Bloomberg’s campaign,” de Blasio said. “We have been on this campaign trail for months, and we will not give up. It is time for a true leader that is in tune with the people. Bloomberg isn’t even a person.”
Republican mayoral candidate and former Metropolitan Transportation Authority chairman Lhota was unavailable for comment, as he was hospitalized for unexplained blood loss.
As of press time, Bloomberg was leading the polls.
Professor of politics Buffy Summers said this lead is not only unprecedented, but the quick shift was almost supernatural.
“Bloomberg’s rise in the polls over the past 24 hours is remarkable,” Summers said. “Whatever force he has driving him whether it’s voters, the political machine, a vampire coalition is quite powerful. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him occupy the office for another 40 or 50 years at least.”
Bloomberg’s new campaign video features his family, his fangs and his promise to serve the city forever.
A version of this article appeared in the Thursday, Oct. 31 print edition. Velma Dinkley is the brains of Mystery, Inc. Email her at news@nyunews.com.
We all know how to take care of vampires so lets get to chopping this one up.
We also know what to do with commies so de blowhardio you better get that nypd thuggery protection quick!
Throw the pos out into the sun at twelve o’ clock high.
The real question is:
Will he grant equal rights to werewolves?