Frodo and Sam attend a Hillary Clinton “Fun” Camp

As Frodo and Sam enter the spacious, sunny room, they see a small circle of occupied chairs and are greeted by a young smiling woman who bids them welcome and asks them to join the group discussion already in progress. Frodo introduces himself and smiles gently at the rest of the group. Sam, meanwhile is looking down at his trail-worn breeches and picking at small thorns and other plant detritus in the vain attempt to make himself presentable.

The woman smiles brightly and in a tone reminiscent of a pre-school teacher, asks Sam to introduce himself and tell the group why he has been invited to the Fun Camp. Sam introduces himself and mumbles something about the “dirty orcs and goblins”.  

Frodo puts his hand lightly on Sam’s arm and in a low, gentle voice admonishes Sam that he must learn to accept those who look different.

“But Mr. Frodo”, exclaims Sam, “They’re filth!”

“No Sam, they are poor genetically modified unfortunates”, Frodo replies.

The moderator chimes in, “Sam you must not use racial slurs like “filth” when referring to orcs and goblins. If you continue to use such words in our presence we will have to put you in time out.”

“But Mr. Frodo, they tried to kill us!”

“It is not their fault Sam, they were made to do it. We must forgive them and welcome them into the Shire.”

“But Mr. Frodo, they eat man-flesh!”

“Now Sam”, the young woman adds with a condescending smile, “certainly if more food choices were available, they would not be forced to eat man-flesh.”

“What about our hobbit lasses and children,” cries Sam. “The filth will abuse them terribly!”

The moderator reprimands Sam, “I really must remind you that if you continue to disparage these groups with racial slurs, I will have to think of you as a terrorist and report you to the authorities. You do have a prior incident with the individual called Gollum. It has been reported to us that he took his own life because of your incessant bullying.”

Frodo says, “Hush now, Sam,” as he beams a gentle smile to the group. “Sam has been selected to participate in a brand new treatment program here at Fun Camp, especially designed to help those who have issues with genetically modified individuals. We have high hopes that he will be able to resume his duties as mayor of the Shire in the future.”

As Frodo leads a now silent Sam out of the room, Sam’s face is wet with tears and a far distant gaze is in his eyes.

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