We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
This type of scatological humor doesn’t belong on FTTWR.
This is the kind of sick crap that Zionist Jews like to use to deaden our minds with useless crap.
Please refrain from getting in the gutter with pervert Zionists who excel at this BS.
George Carlin used those things in life that made us uncomfortable to get our attention and in the meanwhile, he slipped in political enlightenment.
Jerry Spence has often commented as to how he would pass gas deliberately while participating in a trial. He said it tended to make the jurors see him as more of a regular fellow.
Political correctness is indeed an unrealistic sanitation of the world around us. I personally, until I was 14 years old, believed girls shit ice cream. There is a natural world out there and life is not always a bowl of cherries.
Dan thought the story was funny and just might bring a little enjoyment into our day as we embrace the reality of our bodily functions. Hopefully FTTWR will survive this episode. 🙂
We all need a daily laugh! Thanks!
🙂 🙂
LOL Henry! My boys believed girls didn’t fart until they were 10 and 8yo when at my Mom’s and she let one rip……their jaws dropped open and they both looked at me! lol, I told (After we left) them, sometimes when girls get old they might fart…hmmmm don’t think the 10 yo believed me. The look on their faces! Priceless!!!! hehe!
I was older than that when I realised girls actually farted.
Relax Greg. Although this humor may be a little off color for The Trenches to have every day I thought that it was perfect to lighten the mood a bit…… I have had a lot of crappy jobs and bosses and the first thing I thought of is “what goes around comes around”. I hope that you do not take this personal or anything as this article isn`t meant to be derogotory towards anyone or anything. It was just meant to get a laugh on this fine sunday morning 🙂 . P.S. I do not know how I found this article as I do not look for things like this, I do look for homorous/funny articles once a week or so just to break the tensions and bad attitudes of every day life. I hope people here can get a good laugh out of this today as some do seem to enjoy a good laugh here once in a while.
I myself have used many of these tactics while I was still in the ‘corporate’ world. Glad to see I wasn’t the only one embarrassed about work place bathroom use.
I myself never worried about “tactics.” I have always considered “shitting on company time” to be one of the “perks.”
In fact, when my son first entered the workforce, I took him aside and very plainly instructed him, “Son, now that you have a job, you must re-arrange your schedule so that you always shit on company time. It is something that you are now entitled to. Use it or lose it!” 😉
Aside from the topic at hand being somewhat juvenile in nature, I have to wonder why the author didn’t address the option of depositing a stinking sculpture on the boss’s desk.
And who worries about farting in a bathroom? I’d say they’re lucky I waited until I got to a bathroom.
Who’s up for a little “Crop Dusting?” 😉
Im with bobbarr
Sh&ting on the clock was a great thing. I liked the secret b-room at my old company. It was a/c and clean. 1 person.lol not like the b-room in the warehouse. 5stall hot as a turd and stuffy from the farts.
lol
Those damn organic-toxic “chemtrails” have invaded the office space!
Another good reason to switch to an agrarian lifestyle!
“Farm livin is the life for me,
green livin is alright by me,
Land spreadin out so far and wide,
keep Manhattan, just give me
that countryside…”
🙂
Very tactical advice …. and I have to admit I’ve used a of couple of those tactics myself. No … I’m not telling which ones!
Diggerdan, will next chapter be how to … um … well … do it in the woods undetected?
Oh … uh oh … gotta go!
. . .
Look out for that poison ivy there Cathleen LOL
I really enjoyed this post. Thanks Diggerdan and everyone for your comments. A little levity is always good for the soul.
. . .
Might want to re-evaluate your work place if they only use waxed paper for asswipe. All my T shirts have missing pockets from my last job.
Then there’s the idiot who, even though there’s five other empty stalls, will take the stall next to yours, like he can’t get close enough to your stink.
Good one, digger. A bit smelly. 🙂
I get these great little stink bombs every time I go down to Yang Chow’s in Chinatown. They’re REALLY rank. I’ve been busting them at work for years, and the guys still think they’re real farts. It’s freaking hilarious. I tell them it’s the Wendy’s chili I ate the night before, that’s why they always smell the same. LOL
One day me and a friend of mine were sitting at the park, and we decided on the the 3 best places to set those off.
# 3. A crowded movie theater (as you’re leaving to get popcorn)
# 2. A crowded express elevator (as you’re getting off on the floor just before it goes up 20 stories nonstop).
# 1. A full overseas flight (just before you go lock yourself in the bathroom for 15 or 20 minutes). LOL
Any other good suggestions out there?
Aw man #1, I have thought of takin` a dump in a bag that has a high buck name on it and just leaving it on a park bench/bus stop in a high crime area. Ya know some theif will steal it 🙂 🙂 🙂 yep laughin out loud for sure 🙂
Any Walmart is deserving multiple attacks in different departments.
Ahhh yes. Wally World.
Produce section? 🙂
The iceberg turds and the floaters always get me. lol
Some of these tactics I used at the office the other day, too. Funny post, Digs.
I do the “Uncle Ted” and “Fly By” all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m paranoid or self-conscious. lol