President Signs Executive Order to Extend 5 Second Rule

Diogenes’ Middle Finger

(MFNS) Washington – The president today took an important step, without congressional approval, in forwarding the agenda he set for his second term. Sighting a study by Manchester Metropolitan University on food safety, Obama ordered the FDA to extend the 5 second rule for food that has hit the floor.

“The government is to tackle food poverty by officially doubling the five allowable seconds for food dropped on the floor to ten seconds” Obama told a small group gathered at the White House. “The action could see millions of pounds worth of pizza slices, nachos and ice cream reclassified as edible”.  

“I’ve got a pen and I’ve got a phone — and I will use that pen to sign executive orders and take executive actions and administrative actions to move the ball forward on important issues like this 5 second rule extension.”

An FDA spokesman said: “We knew that any dropped food item is perfectly safe to eat if retrieved within five seconds. This applied irrespective of whether the surface was carpet, wood or whatever and how clean it was. But further research has shown that germs are actually even slower to notice the food and leap onto it than previously thought, so we are able to double that limit. And obviously if you’re drunk – which boosts natural immunities to bacteria, colds and gastric illness – that can be extended to 60 seconds provided a pet hasn’t started licking it.”

The extension is one of many measures introduced to stop food waste, including a ‘three strikes’ law giving mandatory life sentences to anyone repeatedly buying and not eating bagged salad.

The Executive Order also brought in a sliding scale for sell-by dates based on income, with any household earning less than the median family income level instructed to ignore them and eat away.

The FDA spokesman continued: “There’s no food crisis and there’s no need for food banks, which aren’t proper banks anyway because they don’t pay their workers huge food bonuses.

Afterward, the President invited the media and guest to lunch after the signing and told them “Now shut up and eat your dinner or you won’t get any pudding.”

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