For millions of years, Barracuda have hunted us down and torn our flesh with their enormous jaws. But barracuda are also really shiny, and hopefully they will stop devouring us. For this reason, we are endorsing Barracuda for governor.
Sardines chose not to make an endorsement in the primary to send a strong message to the Barracuda that their sedulous pursuit of sardine mass murder was unreasonable. So far, Barracuda have ignored this gesture; Barracuda seem to take special joy in eating our children.
Barracuda denied harming any sardines, promised a full and independent investigation of the food chain, and appointed a group of sardines to lead the investigation. No one has seen those sardines since.
Still, Barracuda’s opponent, Bluefish, have not shown a willingness or the experience to lead (Bluefish also eat sardines). Barracuda can be counted on to strike quickly and painlessly. You can see Barracuda coming.
For these reasons, despite the concatenation of carnage that has characterized Barracuda’s relationship with sardines, we support Barracuda for reelection. This time it will be different.