One of These Days, A Creepy Clown Is Going to Get Hurt

Daisy Luther

Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d type.

“Multiple law enforcement agencies are investigating a rash of incidents involving clown sightings.”

For real.

In South Carolina, some jerks are dressing up as clowns in the hopes of luring children into the woods to do heaven knows what, but I’m guessing it’s not magic tricks with a bunny and a hat.  

This sounds like a joke, but it’s for real. A property manager in Greenville County who was rightfully concerned about a creepy clown incident posted the following notice on the doors of complex residents.

To The Residents of Fleetwood Manor

There has [sic] been several conversation [sic] and a lot of complaints to the office regarding a clown or a person dressed in clown clothing taking children or trying to lure children in the woods. First and foremost at Fleetwood Manor Apartments childrens [sic] safety is a top priority. At no time should a child be alone at night, or walking in the roads or wooded areas at night. Also if a person or persons are seen you are to immediately call the police. Greenville County Police Department is aware of the situation and have been riding [sic] the property daily. Remember there is a 10pm curfew for the property so to ensure your childrens [sic] safety please keep them in the house during night hours and make sure at ALL times children are supervised. Anymore information that becomes regarding this issue will be sent out to all residents.

Thank you,

Property Manager

The details of the investigation are unsettling, even for people who aren’t creeped out by clowns.

Deputies spoke with children who told them clowns tried “to persuade them into the woods further by displaying large amounts of money.” The children advised they believed the clowns lived in an old house near a pond, accessible via a trail behind the apartment complex.

The house near the pond was located, but deputies said they found no signs of suspicious activity or clowns.

And speaking of being creeped out by clowns, “coulrophobia” or “the fear of clowns, seems to be sweeping the world, and for valid reasons. In other cases, a 14-year-old boy in Ohio reported that he was chased by a knife-wielding creepy clown. In Northhampton, in the UK, a guy dressed up as a clown quietly walked around the town at night, freaking people out just by being a clown. In Nevada, the creepiest motel you’ll ever find is filled with clown paraphernalia.

In fact, there’s even a survival guide for dealing with the threat of clowns.

You might think these red-nosed jokers are creepy, sure, but certainly not dangerous. You’d be wrong. Clowns never reveal their real names, and dress to obscure their identities. The rules of civilized society don’t apply to them (what other stranger could offer candy to children and get away with it?), they have countless places to hide weapons on their person, and their appearance is downright unnatural. Clowns are the scariest people on earth, and the truth is, they are coming for your valuables, your children, and your sanity.

In this comprehensive guide to self-protection from clown creepery, petty crime, and violence, Chuck Sambuchino–founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert–delves into the terrifying clown underworld to provide the knowledge you need to know to protect yourself from these seemingly innocuous gagmen…

…Most importantly, you’ll learn what to do when clowns attack… because it’s only a matter of time before they do.

As much as I hate to admit it, the author of that book seems to be correct in the case of the creepy clowns in South Carolina.

Obviously, the people doing this stuff either a) want to lure children or b) think they’re funny or c) both.

Then there are the creepy crown “prank” videos.

First of all, let me emphatically state that I hate pranks. I hate them with the intensity and fire of a thousand suns. I find them mean and not particularly funny.

But this takes the prank cake, and seriously, one day it isn’t going to end well.

What the heck. Scaring people to the point that they’re in fear for their lives is not funny.

Imagine being with your children or loved one and some loon dressed in a clown suit jumps out and starts chasing you with what looks like a weapon.  How in the world am I supposed to differentiate, in the heat of the moment, whether that chainsaw is real or a prop? Personally, I would most likely err on the side of that sucker is real and I don’t want to die.

While our country has become pretty wussified in a lot of areas, not all of us are wired to run away screaming from a perceived threat. One of these days, someone playing a creepy clown prank is going to meet up with someone who doesn’t run away and who has actually spent time training to stand their ground,  and it’s not going to end well for Mr. Clown. Kinda like in this video. (Go forward to about 1:50)

“Not today, Clown.”

Of course, it may not go well for Mr. or Ms. Gun Owner either when they get through paying the legal feesbecause some yahoo made them believe that there was a legitimate threat to their safety.

I guess we’ll see who thinks clowns are funny then.

Daisy Luther