Pretty Privileged

Where are the REAL social justice warriors? Who’s willing to tackle the big problems in our world? The discrimination is blatant and cruel. The injustice is obvious. The unfairness has no place in a civilized society, and yet Americans continue to ignore the undeserved privileges that our barbaric culture has granted to beautiful women at the expense of everyone else.

To prove our claims scientifically, we gathered a team of experts from various topless bars and strip clubs. We asked them to determine exactly what characteristics define a woman as “beautiful”, and only then were we able to begin crunching the numbers. 

Our research has proven that beautiful women were six times as likely as ugly ones to be let off with a warning rather than be issued a speeding ticket, eighty times as likely to be given a high-paying job than a toothless hag with body odor, and four hundred times as likely to marry a millionaire than is a two-legged cow with long hairs protruding from her chin.

And that was just the beginning of discrimination we discovered. We had our agents tour every women’s correctional facility in the country, and they couldn’t find one super-model serving hard time anywhere, thus proving that the bigotry is deeply rooted in our criminal justice system too.

The time for equality and social justice is long overdue, and Americans have two hundred and fifty years of this barbarity to answer for. This is why the Woman’s Institute for Terminally Chastising Husbands (WITCH) demands that no man should marry a women of his own choosing, but instead be assigned one from our list of disadvantaged females, who our strip club experts agree are better suited for mop dancing than pole dancing. The strip clubs themselves must be closed, and any woman determined to be “beautiful” will be forced to wear a bag over her head so the inner beauty of homely women has a chance to be appreciated.

These measures may seem extreme, but it’s only justice and fairness that we seek, and the real extremism lies within the sex-crazed mentality of males who are attracted to beautiful women. When do we evolve? When will humanity finally stop being human? If the future of the human race is determined by physical attraction, the next generation will be prettier than this one. This will eventually result in the destruction of the planet, while also causing future generations to suffer the ugliness of beauty before then. The science is settled on this matter, so please don’t argue the point or you’ll have to be censored.

And of course, ugly girls deserve reparations, and they should be paid from the divorce settlements of pretty women across this country of cruelty. Only then can we begin to call ourselves a “progressive” nation.

If you see a man with a beautiful woman, know that he’s a hater, and a beauty supremacist. The beautiful girl herself is a common criminal, whose beauty has denied the pursuit of happiness to countless ugly girls, and she must be stopped, by any means necessary. Scratch her eyes out. Scar her pretty face in the hope that the inner beauty of ugly girls may someday be given the respect it deserves. It’s up to you to save the planet from the horrors being inflicted upon us by beautiful women everywhere.

And if you’re a woman who’s too ugly to ever have been groped or molested, join the #meplease movement now. Together we can force men to crave ugly women, now, and forever!!  — Jolly Roger