BATR – by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher
Producing this year’s soon-to-be amazingly accurate predictions was a virtual miracle. I, Nostradamus Jr., spent the month of August and the following two fortnights drunk as a coot on Carolina shine with Lucille (oh those deliciously dangerous curves) at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop. Round about late September, I wandered out to the edge of the woods, and being about nineteen sheets to mild hurricane winds, thought it a good idea to wrassal a bigfoot name Norm I’d met years earlier while tormenting an alligator near Hell Hole swamp. Well, I was so whooped up and worn out by the time I pinned Norm in a two-out-of -three match, I wasn’t certain I could keep drinking. I forgot all about my duty to make predictions and walked with Norm as far as the Appalachians to hibernate with some black bears while I recovered. I finished off three triple-X jugs of hootch and tucked myself in between them fat, snoozing bears.
About two weeks before Christmas I heard a ruckus outside the cavern. Awake, grudgingly sober, hung-over and discombobulated, I threw a warm bear off my chest and stomped from the cave ready to cuss out some danged hunter. Lo and behold, who do I see but Little Egypt and a dozen sexy dancing girls–mainly former Rockettes–kicked out on morals grounds. Just my kind of women. Gotta say Little Egypt knows how to alter my mood. Heck and there was Lucille too, with a wheel barrow load of deep swamp moonshine. Man alive, it was looking like a good afternoon and evening coming up.
Egypt didn’t look happy tapping her foot, but plenty sexy with that arched eyebrow and arm crooked on the shapeliest thigh this side of Cairo. About the time I had a mason jar of shine in my hand and those ex-Rockettes wrapping their selves about me, she said, “You blustering idiot, you didn’t make your predictions before wandering off on a lark. You shudda never got involved with that Hollywood crowd. All of them are down in Catemaco, Mexico waiting for you to show. We can’t even party hard at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop so many telegrams and Ancient Alien special agents are showing up. Hell, big-hair’s flown in twice. The Catemaco witches union is threatening to hex you if you don’t get those Hollywood folks out of there.
Feeling a bit steadier after draining that first jar of moon, I knew I had to do those predictions. The world needed guidance. Hadn’t the prediction of Hillary Clinton ripping a big one during the Democrat presidential debate with Obama eight years back prepared the regressive left for that embarrassment? Hadn’t that forewarning prevented many Democrat devotes from hurling themselves from bridges with those butt cheeks spread wide and the interrupting fart launched unexpectedly? Yes, with my 113 percent accuracy, I, “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher, had a duty. I couldn’t leave the citizens dependent on Charlatan seers filling up New Year’s Day publications.
I inhaled a pint of shine, “Lil’ Egypt, what am I to do? My chipped 1850’s antique crystal doorknob ain’t here. I pawned my good fish bowl last April. The rats gnawed my tarot cards when I was laid up with Mata Hari’s granddaughter. It’s too late to reach Laguna Catemaco and rub against those sunken Olmec statues.”
While I worried over my obligations and whether I could grab another jar of shine, a shimmy caught my eye. Scrumptious feminine attributes diverted my attention, and I stared into undulating hips and firm tush where I’d visited many times before and looked forward to enjoying again in the future. Lord, I was transfixed and got to predicting while Lucille got to transcribing. And dear reader I present your guide to the New Year.
| Primer to the 101
PETA will drop its current hypocracy and bring animal abuse charges against international monkey molester Jane Goodall. Google Maps will face charges of racism when they identify a non-historical black church. 1. Disney will have a gay mouse, Myron Mouse, exit the closet. The swishy rodent will look suspiciously like Mickey’s twin, but will be differentiated by a truly remarkable limp wrist, lisp and curly tail. 2. Pay-for-View television will hold a ten -round match between Caesar Milan and Michael Vick to raise money for the Billy Sunday Home for Aged Women Who Wear Hot Pants. 3. It will be revealed the only male Antony Weiner sent photos of his testicles and penis to was Jebediah (Please call me Jedi) Bush. 4. Michelle Obama will suffer a serious injury during extra- curricular activities with Saran Wrap that does not involve her extraordinarily large derriere. 5. With the end of the Democrat presidency, the corporate/CIA media will again report on the murders and brutal acts occurring in Darfur. 6. Pope Francis will be excommunicated for fraternization with Joel Osteen. 7. Presidential candidates will cry foul when Donald Trump buys McDonald’s and replaces the golden arches with the Trump tower symbol. 8. Folks will officially begin addressing Barry as Emir in early 2016, except for insiders who will continue to refer to him as Aladdin. 9. In a desperate act, pro-rapist candidate, Hillary Hot-Rodman Clinton will black-jack a Moslem attending a rally to demonstrate she can be as tough as Donald Trump concerning Islam. 10. Liberal sex symbol, Jan-nut Reno, will face charges for tracking down and murdering a Branch Davidian member who escaped her human bar-b-que. 11. The President will be helicopter-ed to safety after a herd of dung beetles escape the Washington zoo. 12. Unable to explain why his numbers don’t add up, Bernie Sanders will claim money is magical under socialism and the debate moderators will accept the answer as true for the low-information voters. 13. The new international health food will be pork chops as rational people take steps to keep the religion of peace at bay. 14. Due to governmental planning 2016 won’t have a February 8th and instead two February 9ths will appear on Federal calendars. 15. Federally-funded scientist, Milton P. Milton PhD’s, despite being armed with a hockey stick, final words while a late N.Y Spring freeze entombs him in ice will be, “You denyers, man-made global warming will yet save me.” 16. Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide authored by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s less serious self will become a best seller and bring peace to the Middle East. 17. At a U. N. special meeting Sec. of State John Kerry will make an emotional, tear-filled public apology to Pluto and announce the little orb has been promoted back to planet status. 18. Uruguay will launch a blitzkrieg against Brazil capturing Sao Paulo and Rio de Janeiro after three days of light fighting. 19. Bruce Jenner will rename his Siamese cat, Rover. 20. Elvis will be discovered working as a Wal-Mart Greeter in Omaha, Nebraska. 21. Dr. I. P. Daily’s book, Urinary Infections for Dummies, will be a run-away best seller. 22. Cruz will be challenged on his place of birth, but telling the liberal moderator “it’s closer than Keyna,” will end the discussion. 23. Kim Jong-un will assure the North Korean population that under his newest socialist health care program they can keep their doctors if they have one. 24. Wanted international criminal, George Soros will begin purchasing lower priced organs from central Chinese stock despite the company belonging to the Bush family, known as Hari-bush Corporation in Asia. 25. Madonna’s big ol’ good’un will be officially ruled too old and too misused to compete for the title in the Miss White Trash contest. 26. New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christy will quit the presidential race and resign the governorship to pursue a career in big time sumo wrestling 27. PETA activists will bomb Orkin franchises in five states, but by hiring ISIS members to do the work they won’t be labeled terrorists under the current rules. 28. Alley cat Al Sharpton will again receive an IRS get out of jail free card. 29. Former Congressman Barney Frank will re-open his D.C. gay whore house for both profit and to gain more blackmail info on Republican office holders. 30. A Fat-boy’s Porn Production of Candy Crowley doing the dirty while sandwiched between Congressman Jarod Nadler and Michael Moore will surface. After the initial shock it will be re-released as a mainstream movie and win the best comedy of 2016. 31. Pre-selected 2016 Republican candidate and suspected Nazi Jeb Bush, will announce it’s past time his wife learned English. 32. Hillary Rodman Clinton will bless America by doing an entire debate using only her colored voice. 33. Flo—formerly America’s girlfriend–will receive the largest settlement in history from a PR firm, Progressive Insurance, and her agent for making her into a national joke when they signed her to perform voice imitation commercials. 34. The media will hold an extravaganza to celebrate the first Kardashian who weds an imported but impotent billy-goat named Oscar. 35. An assassination attempt on Donald Trump will fail when the bullet ricochets off his bullet proof toupee and seriously wounds Rand Paul. 36. A new black based/biased organization will call for an Oreo boycott as the white part got the inside position. 37. Carl Rove, rumored to be Hillary Clinton’s choice for Sec. of State will blow all his chances when he rips his coat and shirt off on live television revealing a Superman shirt while screaming, “Hillary may be mounting me with a hard rubber phallus except when I don this suit and get to be the top man.” 38. The History Channel will change its name to “The Politically Correct History Channel.” 39. Dr. Ben Carson will concur with other leading neurosurgeons the syphilitic lesions on Barry Obama’s brain are inoperative. 40. Citizens will be warned to avoid being within eight feet of regressive leftist Americans during the coming summer. In a rare mind over matter mass hysteria phenomena many regressive devotees of Albert Gore will self immolate and break into flames despite normal temperatures due to belief in manmade global warming. 41. James Carvel will find employment In the Trump campaign to exploit his statement, “Democrat voters were easier to fool.” 42. The possibility of an investigation to determine if the White House had Joan Rivers murdered for openly expressing Obama was a homosexual. 43. Carly Fiorina will answer critics concerning her toughness by stomping Ronda Rousey blue in a UFC sanctioned fight. 44. Psychologists will determine Michelle Obama’s grandiose derriere required her to marry a big enough ass to offset her monstrosity. 45. Stephen King will quit being a liberal spokesman when he learns the CIA is not subsidizing his salary as they do mainstream media reporters. 46. During 2016 one in fourteen Democrats will have enough synapses fire concurrently to realize when: C. Jonathan Gruber, a major developer of Obamacare, called the American voter stupid he was specifically referring to Democrat voters. 47. The Democratic organization to employ liberals, masquerading as The Environmental Protection Agency, will support Obama’s strategy by advocating the Ebola virus be added to the endangered species list. 48. Bill and Hillary’s trip to Benghazi, aimed at quelling concerns about her failed decision making during that disaster will fail when word escapes from the main media coverage, the couple landed in Malta. 49. In an effort to salvage the Tonight Show and increase ratings NBC will offer ROTC’s former number 1 majorette, Ben Carson, close to a billion dollars to exit the Presidential race, change his first name to Johnny and become the new host. 50. Barney Frank will be committed to a psychiatric hospital during January over depression from Lindsay Graham’s exiting the Presidential race as he constantly repeats, “This was my last chance to known in the White House as First Faggot.” 51. Regressive leftist’s already to oblivious to Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, being an unindicted mass murderer will continue to cry about Republicans and the one-percenters while lacking the brain power to realize Holder went directly from the Democrat Department of Injustice to the corporate law firm Covington & Burling often considered number one in protecting Wall Street criminals. 52. On February 26, 2016, former Alcoholics internationally will enjoy a 1 pm cup of green tea as they celebrate unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy’s seventy-eight months of sobriety as proof anyone can kick the alcohol addiction. 53. Corporate sponsored “Black Lives Matter” will continue to avoid non-Democrat Party media for fear of being asked, “Why they don’t protest Obama’s totally gun-free Chicago where black lives are constantly squandered due to progressive politics and the president’s uncaring attitude?” 54. On July Fourth 2016 Libertarians, Conservatives, Independents and Tea-Party Republicans will hold ceremonies of remembrance for former media darlings leftist regressives used, soiled and forgot about. Among the honorees will be slow-witted Cindi Sheehan, still wondering why mainstream media outlets ignored her protest of Obama’s North African and Middle Eastern bloody wars; Tookie Williams, a criminal burning in hell, wondering how he was the left’s number one cause only to be forgotten less than 24 hours after death; Anthony Weiner the poster boy for regressive sexual freedom, dumped and ignored and Fat-assed Michelle Obama’s so-called nutritious school lunch programs disappearing. 55. ABC’s most inaccurate reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will accidently reveal poll data indicating 63 percent of Americans associate Hillary Clinton with criminal activities rather than being a presidential candidate. 56. In an attempt to further hide his deep-seated aversion to people of color, Al Gore will have his lily-white security force appear in black face. More amazing than this farce will be the fact socialist media reporters won’t spot the sloppy imitations. 57. NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association will announce Carl Rove and George Soros tied in voting for their Man of the Year award. 58. Pocahontas, Jr. , aka, Sen. Elizabeth Warren will have her claim of having survived the original Wounded Knee accepted by the media and regressives nationally. 59. Miley Cyrus, spoiled American known for teaching screw worms how to twerk with vigor will embarrass Obama and prove not all leftists only give away other people’s money when her PR people announces Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, will no longer have to survive on a dollar a month as she will have her people cut him a monthly check for three dollars. 60. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will team up with world renown scatologist Sheryl Crow to be the first liberals anywhere to put their words into deeds by vacationing in inner-city Detroit and challenging other elite liberal regressives to vacation in such spots as Watts, Harlem or Liberty City. 61. Herpetologist genetic testing will verify it is impossible to determine if Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid or Scarlett Throated Mitch McConnell, fertilized the most native and introduced reptile specie eggs throughout southern Florida. 62. Current box office failure Starwars, will be recalled and re-released with an added segment of Scotty beaming up a Lilliputian in an attempt to salvage the movie. 63. Hillary “HotRodman” Clinton will cancel a debate appearance at the last moment when the team responsible for wiping the pus oozing from her corrupt body goes on strike. 64. Satan’s more evil son, 109 year-old Nazi George Soros will switch from surviving off organs from India’s adolescents to purchasing cheaper organs from Chinese prisoners. 65. Osama bin Laden will leave the Crawford Ranch to enjoy a two week Hawaiian get-away with the Obamas. 66. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien finger nail file. 67. Black privilege will become a political hot potato the Democrat nominee has to deal with. 68. Kim Jong- un the world’s second most dysfunctional world leader after Obama will friend “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher on Facebook. 69. Craig Livingstone will release a tell-all book describing how Hillary often strapped on a phallus painted puke-pink and rode him until he worked up lather. 70. The National Enquirer will do an in depth investigative piece on why the mainstream media because ashamed to proclaim Chaz Bono, aka. Chaz Boneless every move and utterance. 71. Defender of Bill Clinton and pro-rapist candidate Hillary Clinton will further risk her political future by publically defending Bill Crosby and sicking her bimbo squad on the women he reportedly raped. 72. The Bush family will hire more Democrats to work for the RNC in a last ditch effort to block Cruz and Trump. 73. Tea-party Republicans, Independents, libertarians and classical liberals will break out in smiles all around America at various times as they realize they no longer know the name of a single Corporate/CIA sponsored news anchor. 74. People who keep up with the extremely weird will wonder if Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann and his seven viewers have disappeared into an insane asylum. 75. Obama’s last kickback tax scheme, before leaving office, will be awarding Google the right to build the “mark-of-the-beast” chip for the New World Order. 76. Politically leftwing “Sports Illustrated” will drop any pretense of covering sports and instead try to become a top end nudie magazine in an effort to survive. 77. Newt Gingrich will resurface nationally in commercials as a Car Salesman for a major Japanese automaker. 78. Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine man will discuss why Barry Obama, despite being a sissy Kenyan, deserves to be known as the Father of ISIS. 79. Al Gore will stand in for the wooden Indian at the saloon near Wall Drugs but customers will complain he’s not lifelike and exceedingly weird. 80. “Not Our Wombs,” NOW, spokeslady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will shock the liberal world by asking Hillary to explain her pro-rape stances concerning women Bill violated and used the justice system to torment further. 81. Regressive leftists will begin to deal with the fact super liberal Richard Stengel, TIME Magazine editor and Democrat party donor termed them low information voters. 82. Regressives will continue providing laughs for thinking Americans as they fail to realize international Corporations fund progressive anti-corporate Occupy Wall Street operations. 83. Satisfied her voting base is sufficiently stupid to not realize her family businesses don’t pay minimum wages Nancy Pelosi will move to lower the poverty wages they now earn. 84. PBS, or the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of nationally elected politicians, will run programs aimed at proving third party candidates are a threat to their version of a representative democracy. 85. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will refuse to debate Pastor James David Manning. 86. Bush family Nazi collaboration during WW II and current Moslem ties will be discussed by the independent media this election season but ignored by the dominant CIA/Corporate media. 87. Joe Biden’s newest racist remarks will continue to be ignored by race pimps and the media. 88. Democrat members of the Senate and House will move that instead of opening prayers they be allowed to lead the nation’s liberals in their daily five minutes of hate. 89. Regressive leftists and the media will try to hide data indicating fracking vibrations lessen pressure on major plates and reduce the chance of major earthquakes. 90. Public intellectual and noted moderate radio host, Michael Savage, will expose liberal hypocrisy by asking a regressive to explain why Islam allowing a devotee to purchase and have sex with a one-year-old girl isn’t anti-feminist. 91. Caring Liberals, (are there any other kind?) will again fail to discover what evil is preventing tax escape artist, Warren Buffet, from paying more taxes or learn of his role in preventing the XL pipeline so he can make extra billions just by circuitously donating where it counts. 92. Obama’s crime against humanity, making the BP oil spill disaster a hundred fold worse via incompetent management, will continue to be ignored by environmental organizations dependent on Democrat politicians for their existence. 93. Sadly for anti-second amendment groups more information exposing Sandy Hook school shooting as a false flag operation will come to light. 94. Abraham Van Helsing, VI’s, stake through Katharine Graham’s heart will hold one more year before the demon claws herself free. 95. Liberals and most Americans will remain oblivious that hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was involved in a child sex abuse scandal or that William J. Clinton may have had firsthand knowledge of some of his child rapes, but what the heck, in regressive minds—screwing a child is of minor importance compared to having a Republican in office. 96. Democrat Party fact-falsification operation, Snopes, will move directly into the White House to help with the 2016 campaigns. 97. Hillary HotRodman Clinton will resemble a colonoscopy patient shucking and jiving in search of a bathroom when the name Monica comes up in a debate. 98. Brooklyn N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, formerly known as Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Pearl Buck and infiltrate the highest command centers in Red China. 99. Mayor DeBlasio will often find it more rewarding to play with himself rather than address the media concerning his disastrous polices. 100. Quivering Chris “Fatty” Matthews’ will undergo psychiatric counseling when he realizes he has a job because he’s liberal and if his employment depended on intelligence or talent he’d be making bicycle deliveries for a living. 101. Michael Moore won’t spend three months in a Moslem nation despite the hate filled, anti-woman “We are all Moslems” banner he recently displayed. |
Now, Dear Readers, you’ll notice two extra predictions, instead of the standard 101, as I mis-numbered due to the influence of corn liquor when starting off. Now you know how 2016 will unfold, so plan accordingly. “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher thanks the staff at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop, and the regulars for their input with this year’s insights. Lucile and Little Eva’s curves distracted me, but with the help of freshly distilled hootch I persevered in recording the future despite their delightful and abundant distractions.
This is funny!