In a historic early-morning ceremony in the Yellow Oval Room, attended only by Michelle Obama and pajama-clad White House dog Bo, and recorded for posterity by White Hose photographer Pete Souza, President Obama — also pajama-clad — signed the mother of all executive orders: an order giving him constitutional authority to issue executive orders.
It soon became clear why this unprecedented action was necessary and sufficient. Later, on Thursday, Andy Borowitz reported at The New Yorker that the president subsequently signed an executive order closing Congress, effective immediately.
The president cited efficiency and fiscal reasons for the move and minimized the significance and impact of his order by saying that while some would argue that the Constitution calls for three branches of government, all his order does is reduce that number by one, according to Borowitz.
Speaker John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell reacted indignantly and defiantly to this affront to their manhood by inviting Russian President Vladimir Putin to address a joint session of the disbanded Congress at an undisclosed location.
Seeing this as a welcome break from his invasion of Ukraine, Putin immediately accepted the invitation, saying that it would be his honor and pleasure to show this “despot” — referring to Obama — “what democracy is really all about.” Republicans insisted on one condition only: that Putin wear his shirt out of respect for the Congress-in-exile and because it will be very cold at the undisclosed location — a cave deep in the Virginia mountains.
It is not clear whether Democrats will attend the joint session or whether they will petition the president to issue another executive order recognizing an all-Democratic Congress.
Borowitz further reports that when the president was asked by reporters if he had any message for the former members of Congress, the president — whose approval rating immediately soared to 79 percent, according to Borowitz — said, “I got it from here.”
This piece, if you hadn’t guessed, is satire.