Environmental Study Finds Air In Chicago Now 75% Bullets

The Onion

CHICAGO—Highlighting increasingly dangerous conditions within the city, a new study published Monday by Northwestern University’s Department of Environmental Studies revealed that approximately 75 percent of the air in Chicago is now composed of bullets.

“Far exceeding the levels of carbon dioxide, nitrogen, and even oxygen, bullets now constitute three-fourths of Chicago’s air supply,” said atmospheric scientist and study coauthor John Molina, stressing that the dense and widespread deposits of jacketed lead and copper in the air pose severe and potentially fatal health risks to all Chicago residents.  

“According to our measurements, the proportion of bullets in Chicago’s overall air composition is significantly higher than that of other cities with comparable sizes and population densities. Frankly, if this trend continues—and there is unfortunately little evidence suggesting otherwise—living safely within the confines of Chicago will be almost impossible.”

Molina went on to suggest that Chicago’s 2.7 million residents stay indoors whenever possible in order to minimize their exposure.


2 thoughts on “Environmental Study Finds Air In Chicago Now 75% Bullets

  1. Good. I hope Chicago’s gun-control advocates are getting shot to pieces all over town. It’s been proven many times, and they were warned many times; gun control laws ALWAYS result in MORE gun crime.

    :”but I thought the world would be a pretty place with blue skies and rainbows if we only got rid of the evil guns” — moronic liberal philosopher.

    Grow up, lose the hippie mentality, and face the real world like an adult; leaving yourself defenseless will ALWAYS result in you being attacked, you dumb bastard.

    I don’t have enough sympathy left to educate the stupid, because they’ve frustrated me for a decade. Just let their stupidity eliminate them from the gene pool, or we’ll only have a bigger problem from their tribe of stupid kids. Way to go, Chicago crooks!!!! Shoot one of the dumb bastards for me.

  2. Only in the gang infested areas. Most of the tourist areas are safe. I call Chicago my second home, I’m here because the company I work for is based out of here, inland about 30 miles west from the North Shore area of Lake Michigan. Believe it or not I have never heard a gun shot.

    That is how compressed the situation is. That is not to say I haven;t had to deliver into some pretty dicey areas in the city. And I mean dicey………….

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