El Chapo Is Reportedly Offering $100 Million for the Capture of Donald Trump “Dead or Alive”

Thanks to Enemy of the State.

Yahoo News – by Trace William Cowen

With the temperature outside slowly but surely dipping into winter levels, that annoying little tradition otherwise known as hindsight starts to rear its unabashedly annoying head. 2015, though we still have a little less than three months to completely upend this assessment, has given us the rise (or, in the case of these two gentlemen, the rebirth) of many a legend of pop culture, though two titans of headlines snatching reign bafflingly supreme: Donald Trump, that guy you kind of recognize from that one reality show you could never really bring yourself to watch, is still running for president. El Chapo, that guy whose life is so undeniably similar to the plot of the greatest AMC series you’ve never seen, is still running from those not keen on his most recent prison escape.  

Combining these two highly tweetable figures, of course, results in some obvious fireworks. As previously reported, El Chapo and his family are not huge fans of Trump’s laughably stupid statement on so-called immigration reform. Trump, for reasons entirely clear, has taken this disliking quite personally, even going so far as to reportedly enlist the service of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. However, such efforts apparently haven’t deterred the increasingly threatening tactics of El Chapo:

Yes, according to TeleSurTV, El Chapo has increased the bounty on Trump’s hair hat to a less-than-paltry $100 million. “He was mad,” a predictably unnamed source tells the publication. “He wants Donald Trump dead and will pay any amount of money to have Donald Trump’s head.”

Meanwhile, the entirety of American politics wishes desperately for Donald to quietly exit the 2016 race for the White House, an exit that would essentially be a gift to the nation too precious for a specific valuation.


12 thoughts on “El Chapo Is Reportedly Offering $100 Million for the Capture of Donald Trump “Dead or Alive”

  1. Theatrics, and nothing more.

    “Good morning, El Chapo. I hate to bother you so early, but I have a favor to ask of you. Can you please put a price on my head so people think I might actually do something to stop the wetback invasion?” — Trump card.

    Actually, I doubt El Chapo knows anything about this, and it’s ridiculous to think he would waste $100 million on this anyway.

    What’s El Chapo going to do about the use of his name? Sue for defamation of character?

    1. They intentionally made sure no one would take the offer by demanding that the body be delivered to “El Chapo” (whoever he is — I’m assuming drug lord)

      How about $25 million for just killing him? Why is that not on an option?

        1. Was it anything like this one, Cynicles?

          “New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo says the escapees used power tools to cut holes in the backs of their cells, make their way through the innards of the prison and climb out a manhole about a block away.”

  2. Yeah, I think that ‘El Cheapo’ is some drug-guy. Why would he give a shit about US politics? Why would he offer a lot of his ill-gotten gains for Trumpet, when the money is what drives him in the first place? Why wouldn’t Trumpet himself just go collect the 100mil? (or a body double, for that matter) Where are the newer commenters when you need their professional opinion???

    1. You ass. What? The commentators here ain’t good enough for you? I think Alex Jones is looking for assholes just like your to fill the void in his projectile vomiting and verbal diarrhea. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, bitch. Of course, there’s always a possibility that your just an ass but, in these times, you don’t take comments like that lightly.

  3. Classic mockingbird seeding via the jew press. What I like is, they come right out and tell you the mob is involved. But, as some of you know, the CIA (cocaine importation agency) is the MOB.

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