Pornography consumption has become the norm in every Western democracy, and sexual violence has become a routine part of dating in the 21st century. I have been speaking and writing about this subject for over a decade, and the stories I hear from students are, frankly, chilling. Many normalized behaviors are not so much sexual violence as sexualized violence, in that young people are increasingly aroused simply by inflicting pain or fear on their partner. One example of a porn-driven behaviour that has become ubiquitous almost overnight is strangulation or ‘choking.’ When I began speaking to students about pornography over ten years ago, this behavior was almost unheard of. Not anymore.
A report in the Times from October 12, titled “Boys think strangling women is sexy, charities warn,” is the latest missive from our metastasizing rape culture. According to the Times, counsellors with J.K. Rowling’s Edinburgh charity, Beira’s Place, are reporting that “Sexual violence has become normalised, with growing numbers of young women seeking counselling after unwanted choking during sex.” According to the counsellors, “Strangulation and ‘breath play’ had become so ubiquitous in online pornography that teenagers believed it was a routine sexual act they were expected to perform and enjoy,” including some as young as 16.
“It would appear that it’s something that is becoming very normalised,” said Isabelle Kerr, the chief executive of the charity, who has worked with abuse survivors for decades: “Not only are young men thinking that they should be doing it, but young women are expecting it to be done—even though they don’t necessarily want it or like it in any way. For many of them it’s frightening.” She noted that videos of women being choked and strangled are featured prominently on free porn sites and increasingly social media such as X and TikTok. “That’s what young men are viewing,” Kerr said, “This is what they see as acceptable … And of course the next stage is to get pleasure from performing it.”
The Times related the tragic story of Emily Drouet, who committed suicide at age 18 after being abused and choked by her ex-boyfriend. When her mother expressed shock at what her daughter had endured, one of Emily’s friends told her, “To be honest, Fiona, it’s actually more common to do it than not.” Despite the fact that choking is incredibly dangerous—cutting oxygen off from the brain—BBC Radio 5 Live found in 2019 that “A third of UK women under the age of 30 had experienced slapping, choking, gagging or spitting during consensual sex,” and Kerr stated that these behaviors have only increased since then.
In fact, this porn-inspired trend has been on the rise for some time. In 2019, a report in The Atlantic warned of a sharp rise in the practice of choking during sex acts, with 24% of American women reporting that they felt fear during intimacy as a result. A follow-up survey published by The Insider in 2021 painted an even grimmer picture, reporting that one in three undergrad female respondents between the ages of 18 and 24 at a major American university reported being choked the last time they had sex. 58% of female college students said they’d been choked by a partner, with almost 65% of that group reporting that it had happened during their first sexual or kissing encounter.
According to the study, the practice is so common among Gen Z that most don’t even discuss it. Another study released in July 2022 concurred. “Among U.S. adults, sexual choking is now a frequent, normative part of consensual sex, with 1 in 3 college women having been choked the most recent time they had sex,” the authors note. The study goes on to observe that, “Given its prevalence and frequency, sexual choking may be the most common form of choking/strangulation in the U.S., and it disproportionately impacts women,” before concluding that “sexual choking is now prevalent.”
Things aren’t much better in Canada. A 2019 article in the Toronto Star by Lyndsay Nyawira featured interviews with several women speaking about their experiences. One woman in her early thirties, speaking under a pseudonym, said that she passed out after her date asked for permission to choke her. When she came to, the man apologized. “I’m sorry I got carried away,” he told her, “When I saw you hurting, it really turned me on.” A porn director told the Star that “Strangulation and choking scenes now dominate porn,” and this is having a real-world effect on relationships and sexual interactions in society at large.
Dame Rachel de Souza, the Children’s Commissioner of England, warned that strangulation is even on the rise among children. “I will never forget the girl who told me about her first kiss with her boyfriend, aged 12, who strangled her,” de Souza reported, “He had seen it in pornography and thought it was normal.” He wasn’t wrong—a recent UK report indicates that “Nearly half of all girls aged 16 to 21 say they’ve had a partner expect sex to involve physical aggression such as slapping and choking.” As the BBC reported:
Of the women who had experienced any of these acts, wanted or otherwise, 20% said they had been left upset or frightened. Anna, 23, says she has experienced unwanted acts of violence during consensual sex on three separate occasions, with different men. For her, it started with hair pulling and slapping. Then the man tried to put his hands around her neck.
“I was shocked,” she said, ”I felt extremely uncomfortable and intimidated. If someone slapped or choked you on the street, it would be assault.” It wasn’t until Anna spoke to her friends about it that she realised how common it was. “From then on, pretty much all the guys would try at least one, if not multiple combinations, of these acts.” On another occasion, she says she was choked by a man during sex without consent or warning.
As one counsellor told the Times recently: “We have allowed pornographers and the porn industry to write these sex scripts for us.” She’s right. Over the past decade, anti-porn activists have essentially won the public argument that pornography is poisoning our society. Legislators on both sides of the Atlantic agree that something must be done about this while disagreeing strenuously on what that might look like. The reality, however, is that nothing will change if we do not consider bold steps. After reviewing mainstream pornography, a government-appointed French commission advocated prosecuting pornographers. The time has come to begin discussing how we can ban pornography.
And to all the sexual progressives and “libertarians” cringing with horror at the world that we have created? When the stories of young girls being strangled by their porn-fuelled partners cross your TV screen, don’t look away. Turn up the volume. You might not like the story, but you helped write the script, too. We accepted pornography as a cultural norm, and now porn culture has our girls by the throat.